ScaldoSIT DOWN, WALDO!

You’re all here in summer school because your grades were horrendous.  I’ve reviewed your exit exams and apparently it’s time for a little remedial math lesson for the Birmingham News staff.  Mr. Scarbinsky, please take a seat in the front row, class is about to begin.  Don’t fret, we’ll take it nice and slow for those of you wearing Stabler jerseys.

Let’s start with some basic counting exercises.  Kevin, please count up from 1 to 20.  Excellent, thank you.  I see we’ve already lost Cletus and most of the fourth row.  Oh well, some children should be left behind.  Let’s proceed with some grouping exercises.

Kevin, can you please group the following players by their University affiliation: Tony Brown, Dee Hart, Altee Tenpenny, Dillon Lee, Kenyan Drake, Jarran Reed, Jonathon Mincy, Nick Marshall.
Perfectly done, Kevin.  Now, will you please provide me a ratio of Auburn affiliated names to Alabama affiliated names?

I’m sorry, Kevin, but 1:1 is not the answer.  No, it’s not 2:1.  Kevin, the correct answer is 3:1. 

Would it help you understand if I made a word-problem of it?  Here you go:

Dee Hart and his friends from school, Tony Brown, Altee Tenpenny, Dillon Lee, Kenyan Drake, and Jarran Reed were all charged with crimes in the first half of 2014. Across the state, Jonathon Mincy and his pal, Nick Marshall, crossed paths with the law in that same time period.

If Dee and his friends show up at the courthouse wearing crimson jerseys and Jon and Nick show up wearing blue jerseys, what is the ratio of crimson to blue jerseys?

No, it’s still 3:1, Kevin.  Try again.

You got 5:2 this time?  How in the world…oh, I see.  No, Kevin, you don’t get to omit Hart.  Dismissed from the team, you say?  After the Sugar Bowl?  When was the announcement? He was dismissed from the team but no one knew until he got in trouble?  And he was still listed on the online roster after the announcement of his supposed dismissal? The Alabama athletic department liked the excuse when it was applied justifiably to Alvin Kamara so much so that they used it again for Hart, and also for Wilson Love after he was charged for assault by a fraternity brother? If anything, Kevin, we’d understand how those two additional charges could result in an answer of 4:1. Since you failed to show your work in making those subtractions, you won’t receive credit for that.  6:1 actually would have also been scored a correct answer, had you shown your work, Kevin, since Marshall was merely cited and not arrested for his offense, unlike the six Alabama players.

In a recent article Kevin Scarbinsky attempted to paint a picture of two programs struggling mightily with disciplinary issues.  Gus Malzahn and Nick Saban, he declared, are failing in their efforts to police their respective programs.  He goes so far as to say that “Both programs have gone beyond isolated incidents to patterns of bad behavior.”  Realizing, of course, that the lesson above is math-centric, we here at the Never To Yield Foundation believe in a holistic educational experience and feel compelled to point out Mr. Scarbinsky’s misuse of the word “pattern,” as it pertained to Auburn in this quote. 

Unfortunately for Scarbinsky’s bogus premise, the numbers shown above simply do not evidence two programs on equal footing vis a vis the police blotter.   The ridiculous media narrative that Auburn is a program built upon a culture of corruption and rogue behavior fails once again when the actual facts are examined.

The bikini-clad teachers who failed Kevin and the rest of the media have forced the Never To Yield Foundation to cut its summer vacation short, but we’re always happy to help Waldo and the rest of the class fight the tide (pun definitely intended) of misinformation and lazy reporting that threatens to drown out rational, fact-based discussion.

 

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