Special investigators search for suspects in the alleged assault on Harvey Updyke

April 21,2011 — So accused Toomer’s Corner tree poisoner Harvey Updyke now claims he was assaulted at an Opelika gas station after making an appearance in court, eh?  All we have to say is wow.

Our initial inclination was to ignore this silly grandstanding farce and let it fall and fail on its own considerable lack of merit, but as it seems people want to talk about it, we might as well pile on.

Updyke’s account of the incident has more holes than a trailer full of Krispy Kremes.  It makes about as much sense as the latest book penned by Snooki.

So far the only media member giving this ridiculous story any credence at all is alleged Auburn beat writer Evan Woodberry, but that’s a topic for another day.

First let’s see if we can reconstruct the events as they’ve been reported.

Updyke attended a hearing in Lee County, Alabama where a plea request that included no jail time was rejected.  Some of the provisions of his bond, including a restriction on out-of-state travel, were altered.  At that, he was free to leave.

That’s the only part of this story that can be confirmed.  After that it slips off into bizarro world.

Please alert Guinness Book of World Records as we attempt to set the new standard for use of the term “allegedly” in the next few paragraphs.

Upon leaving the courthouse Updyke was allegedly either feeling a little like Betty White on the football field or he determined that he needed gas in the car that allegedly once served as his home down by the river.

It’s not clear whether this was the same car that allegedly had its tires allegedly slashed at a Wal Mart, but as that story has since proved to to have nearly as many holes as this one, that point is irrelevant.

So Updyke allegedly pulls in to Tiger Express, a gas station painted in the orange and blue scheme he has loudly and proudly claimed to hate — to hate so much that he allegedly poisoned an ancient and innocent pair of trees.

He either pulled up to the pumps or he pulled around back.  It depends on which of the seventeen stories floating around you choose to believe.

As he exited his car to either put gas in the tank or go inside to get a snack, “it went black.”

“It went black” is the legal term used by Updyke’s attention-craving attorney Glennon Threatt of Birmingham.  It apparently can be used to describe a variety of events that may or may not include tripping over your own feet, stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk, being hit in the head with a board, being punched about the head and face, or fabricating an incident with an eye toward a change of venue.

Updyke, who allegedly claimed to be both conscious and unconsious,  then allegedly did or did not go inside the station and did or did not report that he had allegedly been “jumped.”

Quick side note: Updyke is not a distinguished looking fellow. Unless he was wearing his elephant schnozz hat and his faux-letterman jacket it’s unlikely anyone could have differentiated between him and any number of other shuffling older men with paunchy jowls and wispy hair.  Updyke is, in a word, non-descript.  Despite all the attention he’s gotten in the last few months, the majority of people in this state would have a difficult time picking him out of a lineup.

And now, back to the story.  Despite allegedly being either conscious or unconscious, Updyke allegedly drove himself to the emergency room.

In a strange quirk that has allegedly been blamed on sunspots, global warming and number 36 in the Cam Newton playbook, Threatt punched 911 on his cell phone and instead of ringing the police to report the incident, his call went straight to the Paul Finebaum Show where he bypassed the line of waiting callers and was immediately on the air with the host where he provided alleged details of the traumatic incident.

Threatt’s account was at best inconsistent and at worst hysterically hyperbolic.

Updyke was allegedly either treated or not treated at the emergency room, and he allegedly exited the hospital less than hour after he arrived.  Or he didn’t. During his brief stay, he was allegedly either examined or not and was allegedly told or not told that his alleged injuries (which may or may not have existed) could or could not allegedly be consistent with being hit by a board.

That’s what doctors do.  They determine the instrument with which a patient has allegedly been bludgeoned and they make that determination almost instantly.  On CSI: Miami, perhaps.

Updyke claims he was struck in the back of the head, but his alleged injuries are to his face, and are allegedly minor and may allegedly have been pre-existing. Or not.

The United States Army is now involved, not in the investigation itself, but in the interest of possible new weaponry.  A Pentagon source who wished to remain anonymous noted that the Army would like to get a closer look at a board flexible enough to simultaneously strike both the back and the front of a subject’s head and still have enough rigidity to cause even minimal damage.

Opelika police are also looking into the alleged incident, but surprise of all surprises, Updyke is allegedly not cooperative.

So let’s go back over the facts beginning with the gas station stop:

Updyke either parked at the pumps or in the back.
He was either hit or not.
If he was struck, he was struck simultaneously on the front and back of his head. Or he wasn’t.
He either went inside and reported an incident or he didn’t.
He drove himself to the emergency room where he met his lawyer who called Paul Finebaum
He was either treated or he wasn’t. He left of his own accord.
He doesn’t want to cooperate with police.
That’s perfectly plausible.  Or it isn’t.  Allegedly

If Harvey Updyke was truly “jumped” at an Opelika gas station, we hope the assailants are discovered and punished.

But given the asinine nature of Updyke’s account, the Opelika Police Department won’t be able to handle the task.  No, you’re going to need Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd to get to the bottom of this one.

When you’re seeing things running through your head, Harvey, who you gonna call?

That’s right. Ghostbusters.

Do us a favor, Harvey? Make sure Threatt puts another call in to Finebaum when Stay Puft marshmallow Aubie is chasing your car down Interstate 85.


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