June 30, 2011 — In a surprise vote today, SEC Athletic Directors elected to leave the known universe and establish their own outpost in a netherworld devoid of reason and logic. 

In the newly created universe where reality is suspended and the unfathomable reigns Auburn quarterback Cameron Newton is not the best male athlete in the Southeastern Conference. 

On Tuesday Southeastern Conference athletic directors chose Tennessee tennis player John-Patrick Smith as the league’s male Athlete of the Year despite the fact that before Tuesday few of the ADs could have identified Smith in a lineup if the remainder of the lineup featured female antelope. 

In a random unscientific survey of 1000 people, 98.7 percent correctly identified Newton as either the quarterback of the national champion Auburn Tigers, the Heisman Trophy winner or the first pick of the NFL draft.  In that same survey 41% thought Smith played a doctor as a teenager on television, 23% identified him as a member of a boy band, 13.5% said he was the prime minister of Canada, 9.5% asked if he was the guy who installed their satellite, 7% said he sold them insurance, 5.99% assumed he was the leader of an Irish rebellion and .01% correctly identified him as a Tennessee tennis player.  The results were skewed due to the fact that Smith’s mother was accidentally included in the sample. 

It was also reported that John-Patrick Smith was made to wait 45 minutes for a table at Chili’s in Winchester Tennessee on a Tuesday night.  His seating was delayed while the restaurant found tables for a party of eight traveling through on their way to Dollywood.  On the same evening, Cam Newton breezed through the waiting line and was ushered to a prime table at N9NE at the Palms in Las Vegas ahead of several A-list patrons. An admiring Robert Downey Jr. said he didn’t mind waiting a bit longer and hoped he’d be able to get Newton’s autograph before the number one draft pick of the Carolina Panthers finished his meal. 

And Smith is the SEC Male Athlete of the Year?

It marked the first time since the 1970s that the reigning Heisman Trophy winner was not also named Male Athlete of the Year. 

Meanwhile in the rest of the thinking universe the question is not whether Heisman Trophy winner Newton — who also won the Maxwell, Manning and O’Brien Awards — was the best male athlete in the SEC in 2010, but whether he is, in fact, the greatest athlete to ever play football in the SEC.

Adding his name to a list that includes Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker and Tim Tebow is no stretch. Newton certainly produced one of the most productive seasons of any player in league history.

He set the SEC record with 4,327 yards of total offense in one season.

He became the third player in league history to total 4,000 yards and the first to have at least 2000 passing and 1000 rushing.

He shattered the league record for rushing by a quarterback by amassing 1473 yards on the ground, a total that places him third in college football history.

Despite playing just one season, Newton is only 11 yards shy of making the top ten for career rushing yards for an SEC quarterback.

Newton had the highest passer efficiency rating in the SEC, surpassing Heisman winner Danny Wuerffel, and was third nationally in passer efficiency.

Newton’s 51 total touchdowns (rushing, passing and recieving) was tops in the nation. Eighty two teams scored fewer touchdowns than Newton did by himself.  His total is second in league history to Tim Tebow.

And in the crazy alternative universe created by SEC Athletic Directors, netter John-Patrick Smith is the league’s best athlete. 

Cam Newton has never, to our knowledge, picked up a tennis racket.  If he ever chose to do so, the bet here is that he would run Smith off the court 6-0, 6-0, 6-1.  One because as you can tell from his beaming smile, Newton is a really nice guy and would want Smith to leave with something to hold on to. 

In pretending that Newton was not the best athlete in the league in 2010, the athletic directors at competing schools showed their true color. That color is green.  And it has nothing to do with money.

 

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