August 18, 2011 — Hello and welcome to another edition of Fizzle and Pop where the dreams of Auburn haters and Newton detractors go to die.

We’re coming to you live from your mother’s basement in the heart of downtown Roachville glad that our keyboard is big enough to hide behind.

Yesterday saw two more grenades in the “hammer’s coming” arsenal fizzle out to nothing.  The fizzle continued an impressive string of duds and leaves the hammer army with a cardboard tube and a box of ramen noodles as its remaining weaponry.

First oddsmaker/Mr. Cleo Danny Sheridan flipped over his trump card on the Paul Finebaum show.  Instead of the ace some hoped and prayed for Sheridan threw a joker on the table.

After Sheridan’s flop, Fox 6 News in Birmingham reported that the biggest gun in the “hammer’s coming” armory, the bingo bazooka, was filled with blanks.

(Cue Price is Right loser sound effect here).

Pity poor Finebaum who did his best to pretend the joker card played by Sheridan won the hand. But Sheridan’s transparent sham self-righteousness shredded any credibility he might have hoped to retain.

Three weeks ago Sheridan bragged that he would pry the name of someone he (and only he) claims the NCAA allegedly believes paid Cam Newton’s father some random sum of money and would identify that person on air.

On Wednesday, Sheridan declined.

Oh he has the name he smugly asserted, but he’s just not going to tell. Hiding behind false claims of lawsuit fears and snorting it would be morally reprehensible to put other people’s jobs in jeopardy Sheridan whiffed. (Clay Travis does an outstanding job of exposing Sheridan’s disingenuous response in his column yesterday).

Give Finebaum credit (or disdain) for trying to prop this sad clown up by insisting that he spoke volumes in his silence, but there’s no question that Sheridan’s promised punch was nothing but a drizzling dud.

In defending himself, Sheridan categorized those who criticize him as “cockroaches living in their mother’s basement and hiding behind screen names and their keyboards.”

Sheridan sounded like nothing more than the guy you knew in high school who claimed to have a girlfriend who lived in another state, promised to show you a picture but didn’t, promised to bring her to the prom but skipped it and swore she would be at the party but declared she was sick and couldn’t make it.  That guy, the guy who carried around a photo of the bra model from the Sears catalog in his wallet, was always willing to whine, always willing to take a lie detector test, always self-righteously angry when he wasn’t believed.  Sheridan is that guy.

With Sheridan’s dud still fizzling in their ears, the “hammer’s coming” crew — numbers dwindling — turned their diminished hopes back to bingo and the long rumored hope that a scandal of epic proportions would be found among the wiretaps.

This was the big bomb, the nuclear holocaust. Legion were those who claimed to have inside sources who had heard or been told of the myriad violations that were exposed in those recordings. The Newton bagman promised by Sheridan was hiding in the reels just waiting to be exposed.

Within hours that bomb also went pfffttt.

According to Jim Parkman, the attorney for Slocomb Senator Harri Anne Smith, he listened to all of the tapes in the bingo trial.

Parkman says there’s nothing there.

No mention of Cam or Cecil Newton. No bombshells raining from the sky. No hammers.

There’s probably not even enough there to convict the defendants on the charges filed against them.  Nothing but fizzle.

The “hammer’s coming” crew and their ridiculous websites have fired dud after dud after dud.

From “Cam Newton’s going to be ineligible before the Georgia game” to Scott Moore’s shameful lies to Sheridan to the bingo bust, its been one continuous string of fail.

Even their staunchest supporters have begun to desert the faux cause.

As one former pitchfork holder posted yesterday:

Auburn and Cam Newton beat my team last year.  It’s time to just accept that and move on. I can’t make it go away. I can’t change it. They won. We lost. Let’s just play football and we’ll try to beat them this year. 

Congratulations.  Welcome to November, 2010.

There will probably be more from the same sad collection of men who hide in their mom’s basement and don’t even do their own laundry (according to Danny). In the coming weeks they will probably attempt to tie Auburn in with the exploding scandal in South Beach and Auburn officials will likely be blamed for the nation’s economic rut.

But as each new “insider” scoop melts to useless slop, their methods grow more and more desperate. And their numbers shrink.

In his comments regarding the tapes, Parkman inadvertently exposed the motivating force behind the continuous stream of assault that’s been directed at Auburn since late October.

In noting that the tapes contained nothing incriminating, Parkman couldn’t resist this caveat:

“I’d like for them to be. I’m an Alabama fan,” Parkman said.

That’s jealousy spelled with a capitol ‘J’.  And that speaks volumes.

 

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